Sonic the Hedgehog (2006): A Dossier

Laughter, sadness, frustration, confused, angry, happy, grumpy. All emotions that a human being can muster up have been made by me when playing this game. This game is such a convoluted mess that a review will not do. That and the fact that everyone and their mother, father, siblings and grandmother aged 100 have verbally punished and destroyed this game. It’s considered to be the worst Sonic game of all time.

For years, this game has intrigued me and I have always wanted to play it. And you know what; I want to kill myself…or go back in time and save £12 for a pre-owned game, was NOT worth the price of admission. And I’m also doing this because reviewing this game and tearing it apart is beating a dead horse and everyone else has done a better job. So, here is a list of things about the game.

WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS!

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It’s not that it’s bad, but considering that this is a Sonic game, this is too good for the blue f*****.

The World of Sonic ’06: …WHAT IS THIS? Now from what I saw I thought this would be Final Fantasy with Sonic characters. I was wrong. Soleanna is a bland fantasy world with modern looking characters. You see, the developers thought putting Sonic in a world with realistic people was a good idea. I know Sonic Adventure had people in their world but they were polygonal anime characters so realism is thrown in the bin. The people in ’06 are unimportant to be with and some move awkwardly and the developers were so lazy that there are six faces shared around the citizens of Soleanna. I wouldn’t mind except for the fact that THERE ARE ANTHROPOMORPHIC CHARACTERS RUNNING AROUND THE PLACE.

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Pietro: We get paid in peanuts, so we’re not gonna bother, I know you’ll do it for free.

The Citizens/Guards: The citizens are apathetic when it comes to the Princess being in danger, there’s no soul to these people. But the Guards are complete B*******, their job is to protect the Princess and now that she’s gone, they’re job is to look for her. NOT THESE GUARDS! They’d rather screw Sonic around with puzzles. Case in point, “Who is the real Captain?” The objective is to figure out who the real captain is by talking to the guards all over the city. And after so many loading times talking to so many guards, I found out that the guard to told me to find the real captain WAS the real captain and I wasted so much time. I threw my controller because of this, the first time I’ve ever done this. So many things that have happened because of this game.

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LEGALISE WEED, OR THE FUTURE WILL CEAST TO EXIST!

The Story: This is going to be difficult because it has plot holes and screw-ups that completely destroy the game. You play as three characters, Sonic, Shadow and new character, Silver, with each of them having their own stories. Venice…I mean Soleanna and the ruler of the country, Princess Elise, is celebrating the Festival of the Sun’s opening ceremony. Dr. Eggman crashes the party and asks her for the Flames of Disaster, but Sonic saves her, then she gets kidnapped again but gives Sonic a blue Chaos Emerald. Instead of Sonic going after Eggman, he meets up with Tails the next day and THEN go save her…why wait for the next day? Because Japan. Anyway, he has to go save her to prevent Eggman to use the Flames of Disaster to take over the world.

In the future, Silver is a telekinetic hedgehog who has to defeat The Iblis Trigger, but meets Mephiles who can time travel and lets Silver and Blaze the Cat go back in time to kill The Iblis Trigger, whom Mephiles tells Silver is in fact, Sonic. Meanwhile, Shadow has to rescue Rouge the Bat in Eggman’s base. Rouge collected the Scepter of Darkness that has Mephiles sealed in it but it eventually gets dropped, releasing Mephiles and takes Shadow’s look and becomes a Doppelgänger of him.

Back to characters.

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And I didn’t skip leg day!

Sonic: Remember how cool Sonic was with a lot of attitude? Well he’s a bland character in this game and anything important to the story is done in Silver and Shadow’s levels. All he does is save Princess Elise, and when he does save her…I’ll get to that later.

Silver: Silver the Hedgehog is an uninteresting character; he’s tasked by Mephiles to kill the Iblis Trigger. But Mephiles tricks him into thinking that Sonic is the Iblis Trigger by making him see Sonic surrounded in flames…and that’s the only proof Mephiles gives Silver, not showing Sonic destroying crap. But of course Silver falls for it, making him the dumbest character and that wouldn’t even be the case if Big the Cat was in the game.

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Shadow: Time to redeem myself.

Shadow: Shadow is at least a bearable character in the game, and I don’t even like him. He was there to rescue Rouge who was trying to get the Scepter of Darkness. Later, Shadow battles Silver and they go back in time to seal Mephiles. But something goes wrong to the point where Mephiles is released and takes the form of Shadow.

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Yeah, that sums up the respect Sonic lost at the time.

Dr. Eggman: And so, because people look more realistic, Eggman had to look realistic too. And he looks completely stupid, the fact that he was originally named because he was shaped like an egg, he looks nothing like an egg anymore. But you know, I grew to him, he does fit the world, it’s a shame though that he’s not interesting and his evil plan is…idiotic if you knew the full story.

The other characters from previous Sonic games: They’re just there.

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Sonic: YOU RAISE ME UUUUUUP!

Princess Elise: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHH! There’s a reason why we don’t see her in another Sonic game again, she the human representation of a plank of wood. The amount of times she gets kidnapped by Eggman would make Princess Peach laugh, heck, she could beat the s*** out of Elise and tell her to grow a pair. She also finds Sonic to be a love interest…BECAUSE JAPAN! If tentacles can turn you on, blue hedgehogs aren’t. She literally has no character development and despite being a Princess, she takes NO authority or responsibility whatsoever. She also promises to her father that she would be a strong, independent ruler, but she’s weaksauce throughout and never grows as a person. Also, her father put Iblis inside her and tells her not to cry…as in EVER. B*****KS! UTTER B*****KS! How can she NOT cry for all these years, it’s not humanly possible, why can’t Japanese creators create human beings…in fiction and real life ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°), someone you can relate to, why does every female look near enough the same in this game WHY DID I PLAY THIS F****** GAME…

The Every Gamer had to take a break after his mental breakdown from playing this game.
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Back to whatever the hell he was doing.

Now for the ultimate bulls***

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Sonic, suicide is not the answer!

Sonic’s Gameplay: So take Sonic Adventure’s near perfect gameplay and butcher it even more than Sonic Adventure 2. Sonic never feels fast and in levels, when you do get speed, it’s automatic, the game takes away the control and gives you scripted areas where you barely need to press a button. It’s a spectacle game when it comes to Sonic. But the definite worst part of the game is the Mach-speed levels, YOU BARELY HAVE NO CONTROL, trying to be accurate is way too hard and Kingdom Valley CAN GO F…

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Tick Tock, goes anything that could be taken seriously.

Silver’s Gameplay: Silver’s gameplay is much slower; in fact, speed isn’t the game, but telekinetic abilities. He can float for as short period of time and use his powers to attack enemies…so long as you buy upgrades. His powers aren’t that fun to use. For example, you get this power where you can levitate enemies to throw at other enemies and whatnot. But to do this, you have to be close to the enemy, so close that 8 times out of 10, you’ll get hit. But truth be told, I actually enjoyed Silver’s levels (don’t worry, I hated the billiard part…you know what I mean). It annoyed me the least, less than Sonic.

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Robot: Why can’t we hit him? He’s right there!

Shadow’s Gameplay: His gameplay is my second favourite…by default. Thankfully, guns have been removed, but he’s slower than Sonic but faster than Silver. He plays ok, but he has the same problems as Sonic in that his levels annoy the hell out of me. You can ride on vehicles like in his own game…HUZZAH?

Some Random stuff

Artificial Intelligence (P***ed on): Whenever you have a partner, they will die somehow by either drown or fall in a pit. Whether you’re playing Sonic, Shadow or Silver, every partner is a Tails.

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Silver: Say, how do you like to go to space?

IT’S NO USE!: The Silver boss, is just the worst, whether you play as Sonic or Shadow. So, you have to avoid Silver until he levitates some stuff and hit him. Problem is, it’s difficult to do so, especially if it’s your first time, because of the camera, you’re unable to see where Silver is at times and if he’s close enough, he’ll levitate you and throw you which will hurt you. But if he throws you at a wall where Silver is close, he can do it over and over until you die. It’s one of the worst, if not broken bosses ever made.

Smile for the Camera…I SAID SMILE YOU MOTHER…: The camera is one of the reasons why I hate the overall experience. It can get unfocused; it gets out of control for some reason. In Egg-Genesis, you want to face the boss but the camera will follow the boss in the air, leaving you unable to see the character you’re playing as.

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All you had to do was follow the damn train, Shadow!

Game-Breaking Spectacles: Back to those scripted speed sections, especially for Sonic and Shadow. When traveling in a scripted section, you still fly off even if you do nothing. This has happened to me a lot.

The Hub World: Soleanna is the hub world, and it may be too big for its own good. In Sonic Adventure, the hub world was smaller and had more variety and they were memorable. This is has little to no variety and it looks the same everywhere. And because you don’t go that fast, it’s a slog to get through ESPECIALLY SILVER.

OOOOH, why did I play this? This is a bad game, an utter garbage experience. But is it the worst Sonic game ever made? Based on my experience, Yes…so far, I haven’t played Sonic Labyrinth. How’s the story? Awful. It’s as bad as Shadow the Hedgehog, though that one is less buggy.

I grew up with Sonic games, I was a fan of Sonic as a child and I’m fluctuated nowadays, I love and hate the Sonic franchise, it gave me childhood memories but I also want it to die so it’s broken legacy can be broken no more. Why has Sonic going in a horrible direction over and over again? Sega themselves. You have the classics and people like that, you have TV shows and comics and people like that, you have one game about adventuring and people like that, you have a team-based game and people like that, you have a gun-wielding hedgehog and people like that, you have this broken mess of a game and people like that, you have the were-hog and people like that, you have aliens and people like that, an anniversary game and people like that, you have a Super Mario Galaxy knock-off and people like that, then you have Sonic Boom and…who actually liked that?

There are so many renditions of Sonic that people tend to stick to and people want more of that specific rendition and they get mad when Sega doesn’t do it but when they do make that rendition, they add something to freshen it up but you’ll hate it and even if it did do the rendition correctly, other fans who like other renditions will hate it. Nobody wins and it ends up being annoying, one of the reasons why people hate Sonic fans, next to Undertale and Five Nights at Freddy’s.

Also, the Sonic fanbase tends to be bipolar in what they want or desire. Sega will listen to fans after demanding something that was once missing. Sega will do it and the fans will hate it, Sega can never do anything right because the fans…don’t really know what they want. I mean, I wanted a classic Sonic game akin to Sonic 3 & Knuckles and we’re getting Sonic Mania, so I’m satisfied. Look at Sonic Forces, when people saw the Green Hill Zone gameplay, the fans hated it because Green Hill Zone is now overused. But if there was no Green Hill level, some fans would hate it, it’s a mess and one of the reasons why fanbases can ruin a lot of things.

So…what else can I say about this game? Could you try it out? If you want, if you find it good or not overall. I’ll probably go back to it again…one day. OK, time to go to the next game.

Before I go, there is one “good” thing about Sonic 06 that doesn’t get looked at…the music, it’s good. *slow clapping intensifies*

You can also take a look at my Twitter page, if you like tweeting too.

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