Mini-Review: Thomas the Tank Engine (Sega Genesis)

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Thomas: Please Every Gamer, DON’T DO THIS TO YOURSELF!

If you live in the UK, chances are you’ve heard of Thomas the Tank Engine. Your childhood was set when you remember that on TV. We had talking trains in the island of Sodor who did their jobs and that’s all I remember, but looking back this was a violent show, trains crashing and all sorts of accidents, it was crazy, not to mention Ringo Starr being the narrator. So of course with a popular British TV series you have a video game…released in the US ONLY! Yeah, I think this was at a time when the show aired in the US so I guess to get more viewers they made a game for it, but the UK, where the books and the show was made in, got nothing.

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I’ve been transferred to the USA…it’s quite underwhelming!

So, Thomas the Tank Engine, developed by Malibu Interactive and published by THQ Software and was released in 1993.

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Hey guys, why the…same face?

You start the game by picking one of five trains consisting of Thomas, James, Percy, Toby, and Duck. Pick or create a name for your conductor, I called mine Pootis. Finally, pick a difficulty…because when you’re making a pre-school game…why did this need difficulty settings again?

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Mine Cart: AAAAAAHHHH! I see you’ve found out my fetish, ‘ey Thomas?

There are three modes. First is Game, where you need to find the correct trains to collect and take them to the correct stations. And that’s what you do throughout the entire mode. Next is Race, where you race against other trains, though you’ll be in separate tracks and all you need to do is accelerate and win. Though there are two balloons, one making you fast for a short period of time and one slowing you down for a short period of time, but this won’t be a problem as you’ll win anyway. And then there’s Explore where you can explore the island of Sodor…and that’s it.

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The Fat Controller: The fastest train is the one that will deliver the goods, and you best not tell anyone.

There’s nothing much to it, the gameplay is incredibly simple, though as someone who grew up with the TV series, it does remain nearly faithful with the level design and even the music, we even get the original theme now twanged to the max. But because these were made in America and they have no idea of the show, there are a number of mistakes, like faces being on the wrong trains, designs that have something missing, it’s insulting.

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And one last thing: WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING??? I’m reviewing a pre-school game but I did it because it’s Thomas the Tank Engine, I watched it as a child, and even though I never played the game for regional reasons, I still remember the show and how it was pretty much the train version of destruction derby, but there’s nothing to it, at least give me a frigging game mode where I have accidents where I can murder passengers OH WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME, I NEED HELP, I’M GOING TO STOP WRITING AND CLEAR MY HEAD, I’M NOT GIVING THIS A RATING IT’S A BLEEDING GAME FOR KIDS, IT’S FOR KIDS, I’M IN MY EARLY TWENTIES AAAAHHHH!!!!!

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The last scene of the Every Gamer’s whereabouts.

The Every Gamer wrote this on a train. Unfortunately, he was in the Henry train and is stuck in a tunnel with him. He is still there to this day and any way to get out is blocked by brick walls, this was the last review he uploaded to the internet before his laptop ran out of batteries.

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