Mini Review – Mach Rider

And now, I will describe this game as if I’m advertising an action game from the 90’s.

A Nintendo driving game set in the future where aliens have invaded Earth and to save the world, it’s up to MACH RIDER!!!

Mach Rider (Japan, USA) (Rev A)_001.png

In order to truly experience this game, you need SKILLS!!!

Ride on your futuristic motorcycle, shooting goons in their cars BOOOOOM!!!

Stress out as cars will come from behind you and one hit ram you to death as you have trouble figuring out which direction they going to come out SUPPOSED NES HARD!!!

Mach Rider (Japan, USA) (Rev A)_002.png

You have complex controls where you can control your speed with the highest being WAY TOO FAST!!!

There’s graphics that are decent for the early days of the NES but nowadays they look MEH!!!

Mach Rider (Japan, USA) (Rev A)_003.png

To compensate for the fact that you may get bored with it after ten minutes, we have FOUR AWESOME FEATURES!!!

Fighting Course lets you ride in different levels, Endurance Course, the Time Trial level with consequences, finish a track with the highest kilometers, Solo Course lets you ride on tracks with no enemies, and Design Mode in which you can make your own tracks but unless you have the Famicom Data Recorder, Wii or Wii U YOU CANNOT SAVE THEM, not even the 3DS…I mean, what gives Nintendo, this is BULLS***!!!

Mach Rider (Japan, USA) (Rev A)_004.png

So come experience a game where you play as Mach Rider, who may be a man or a woman…I mean in the Arcade version, you see a woman next to the Mach Rider bike…I mean we don’t know if she’s the main character or fanservice, but let’s just say f*** it, the main character is ambiguous EQUALITY FOR EVERYONE…I guess? Mach Rider, the slightly mediocre game for modern gamers but still cool for us retro gamers and it’s yours ON NINTENDO!!!

Mach Rider (Japan, USA) (Rev A)_005.png

This game may cause side effects like a headache, the flu, a snapped neck, swollen anus, 10 years in prison, decrease of sex drive (if you had one in the first place), erectile dysfunction and blue waffle (And for the love of God, DON’T GOOGLE THAT S***)
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