Alf (Sega Master System)

What…is this show? Look, I’m from the UK and Alf isn’t well-known at all. So from what I assume, an alien crash lands on Earth and lives with a family and wants nothing more than to eat pussy…cats. It was an 80’s sitcom and it was popular in America. So someone came up with the bright idea of making a game for a console that nobody cared for or even liked in America, the Sega Master System, at the time Sega did what Nintendidn’t…in Europe, Nintendo didn’t know how to market their NES for Europe but Sega knew…by making it cheap. So let’s talk about what is considered to be one of the worst games on the system. Alf, developed by Nexa and published by Sega and was released on New Year’s Eve of 1989 in the US exclusively.

So the aim of the game is to find bits and pieces to find some pieces for his spaceship so he can meet his friends on Mars. There are a few locations you can walk to such as Alf’s house, street, basement of the house, ALF’s backyard and a pond in the backyard. Now if you go into this game blind, you will not get far. For example, you go to the basement of the house, but you need the cat to chase a black cat away that is walking at the bottom of the stairs. You must jump to switch on the light. You then go to the caves and try to block bats but one hit from them and you’re dead, 5 lives, one continue, another 5 and its game over. The game is completely impossible.

That is until I watched a longplay of the game via World of Longplay. The amount of time to beat the game: 12 MINUTES!!! And to make up for how short it is, they made it as hard as possible. So what you’re supposed to do is go to the kitchen, collect the cat, then you open a fridge to get some salami, go to the basement and into the caves and use the salami to whack down the bats, walk all the way to find a shed to find a golden nugget. Go back and go to the general store whilst avoiding the paedos in suits (I guess they work for Area 51 trying to find Alf but the way they move is unnerving). Buy a key, go back to the house and go to the parents’ bedroom and the door on the right will give you a swimsuit. Go in the back garden and jump in the pond, go down to get a chest and a pearl whilst avoiding Scuba divers with harpoons and catfish.

Go up and go to the Five and Dime to sell the pearl and buy the lantern. Go back to the caves and when you see the first shed again, jump over that and go on the top platform and find the second shed to find a fuel pellet. Go back to where outside the house is, climb up the vines to find the scooter on top of the roof, get on it and ride up onto the sky until you find a space station. Enter it and sell the salami and buy a spacesuit, ride up again whilst avoiding shooting stars and small spaceships until you find the moon and enter its mouth to collect the pieces for your spaceship and the game is finished.

Yep, I just told you how to win at the game, but remember, there is one hit deaths and you’ll die a lot, you are not going to make it without practice. I only beat it because of save states. Literally everything about it is horrible, though the graphics aren’t that bad. The sprite work, especially for Alf is awful since whenever he turns, midway he disappears and then appears in the direction you wanted him to face. The music is annoying and repetitive, it’s stupidly difficult and you will have no idea how this game works since the game doesn’t tell you anything. The gameplay is the worst and the level design doesn’t work for the game it was supposed to be.

Overall, Alf is a broken mess and the only way to finish it is to save when you can, it’s a rushed and poorly made TV licensed game and…I picked this game for the final review of Halloween because there was nothing else. I hope I could do better next year. But this game will never get better.

You can get it for the Sega Master System.

Rating: 0.5/5


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